guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
