Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
