Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
