You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
