I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
