How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
