No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
