U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
