I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
