it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
