i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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