so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
