If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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