Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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