we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.