Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
