respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
