Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
