there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize