if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
