get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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