Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
