this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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