Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
