Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
