I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
