Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
