I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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