Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
