remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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