Quick, to the slutcave!
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
