Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Randomize
