Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
