So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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