so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
His hands were made for my vagina.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
