I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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