someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
