OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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