i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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