I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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