This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
