I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
FUCK WHALES
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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