I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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