I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
