I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
