capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
