After last night, I could never be a politician.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
