Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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