So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed