it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
