i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
