"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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