She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
