the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
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My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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