so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
