Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
