i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
