I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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