well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
love makes seman taste better
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
