had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
