the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
