I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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