i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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