I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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