I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
