i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
