you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
