How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
